My dear brothers, sisters, friends and loved ones,
I hope that you are doing great, that, as I am, you are able to appreciate every color that has led us towards the usually inspiring month of May.
Today is my last day in Virginia before heading back to my studio in Montreal. I yet have to deal with the damages my house underwent from the water pipes that exploded several weeks ago… While I’m not really attached to anything “material”, let’s just say that it’s quite affectively devastating to witness the ongoing demolition of the only place where I have ever felt at home… It’s where some of the most significant moments of my existence actually took place, so it's quite psychologically disturbing... I guess the silver lining remains that, with a background such as mine, I had to learn how to compartmentalize my emotions to keep on going. So regardless of the major damages I have to cope with, it's the memories that made this house my home that are the most precious pieces there are, from which nearly all of them are associated with the souvenirs of my departed pup MacKaye. That’s what needs to be carefully protected in my heart… The rest for me is always the rest: you deal with the cards you receive… With my health, my plans, and schedule being derailed, it's nonetheless mine to positively manage the build and rebuilding of it all.
Part of that affirmative determination to cultivate positivity already started… You probably already noticed some of the significant changes and transformations I told you about in January that have been concretizing lately, from my online store’s complete overhaul, my newsletters revamp, the return of my postcards culture, my social posts, along with the audio communication we’re sharing together, my recent short video updates, and other things I probably forgot about already. It's all truly empowering for me, as everything is aligned with my desire to connect with you more closely, something I incredibly missed during my post-surgery convalescence. So it’s quite invigorating for me to finally have enough of the necessary energy to gather with you all once again, and it’s quite a major refreshment for my heart and soul to rejoin you, especially knowing that what has been set in motion so far is only a small fraction of what’s ahead. So yes, no matter how difficult my actual circumstances might be, it’s a particularly exhilarating time for me.
Therefore, of the further additions scheduled to take place all over the ongoing year comes a project that I’ve been musing about since last December; it’s something that I’m super excited about and embarrassingly impatient to launch. The people around me are tired of hearing me talk about it ALL the time, so they’re as impatient as I am for its release! That project constitutes a major uplift for the Club as well. And it is THIS very platform. It is designed to be a very personal insight into my life's multiple engagements and will be highly driven with music, art, and community. It is a format where you'll be able to participate as well, so I can share and commune with you directly. And “NOW” is the official opening of it!
You know, as strange as it might be, it’s the joy I’m choosing to embrace that makes me so enthusiastic about having my own communal platform, and it’s the prospect of sharing that joy with you that makes it purposeful. As much as it requires a rare act of self-subversion to cultivate that state of being, it’s highly meaningful for me. Connecting with you is an essential component of my daily fulfillment, as, contrary to Charles Bukowski, I decided to let the bluebird out of its inner cage, to let it be seen, and to sing newborn freedom chants along its side. After years of voiceless noises, I understood that it’s not to be accompanied that I need the most, but true fellowship… That's what I'm greatly longing for deep down inside. And yet, I used to deprive myself of such blessings over the years. It became a more significant yearning when I totally lost any sense of self following my heart surgery. “Who am I?” — I didn’t know. And I still wonder sometimes... But it's our friendship that guides me through such perplexing uncertainties.
That’s why I find it to be equally terrifying and confusing when I’m too ill to think, too discouraged to speak, too tired to move even… But always, it’s the loneliness that subtly comes slipping in every occasion I am frail, weakened, and sick that disturbs me the most. It’s like a distant echo where I'm witnessing an old version of my hopeful self trapped somewhere in the midst of my disorientation. You can see the people who really care for you, feel the ones who love you dearly, but there’s no way to reach out to any of them, as if you were muffled behind a thick type of veil made of mirroring glass. There’s no scream loud enough to pierce that veil, no rage violent enough to break the reflector. It’s you and the silence. You and your faithless pain. I lived in there for most of my existence, from a child who grew up living in a hospital room, until the recent instant I woke up in an intensive care unit. It makes you wonder what will truly matter at the end of the road, what will give any sense to it all… If the condition itself is incredibly concerning, it's knowing the answers to those existential questions that hurts the most, really. It brings you way back…
Far enough to remember when I discovered "writing" as a child, or should I probably say when "writing" found the young dyslexic that I was. Reading changed my perspective on the world around me in so many ways, and a large part of my world, previously limited to finding any path to follow, evolved in a myriad of directions that had seemed impossible to dream about before, let alone foresee their exploration. To the same extent, writing allowed me to open up, to find serenity in reaching out. But the years passed, and I let the current of life carry me away. I closed myself off. I stopped seeing others beyond my personal suffering. I forgot that everyone's pilgrimage is a whirlwind made of too many emotional shades and layers to try and even out their essence, I suppose… It's always easier to withdraw within oneself than to emancipate your sorrows through the inspiration of other people's courage while facing their own challenges and misfortunes.
So I am now grateful to comprehend, and accept, that it is not the agitated nature of our everlasting voyage's stream that leads us to isolate our hearts from the reality we don’t feel like we fit in, nor the reason why we’re depriving ourselves of the comfort of other people’s presence… I understand that it's neither the fear of being the object of possible mockery, being ostracized or judged by others, not even the fear of becoming the subject of any potential form of rejection… No. It’s actually the degrading faith in our ability to see past our ever-growing cynicism and our fatalism fed by so much disappointment and so many letdowns that alienates us from our dreams… Thus, the hesitation to trust again, to expose ourselves, is not linked to previous pain recollection but to the apprehension to realize that we might just not feel anything anymore if such affliction could happen again. Because if that was the case, then what? What kind of conviction would then be left of us, if only to stand still, abdicate? Or try to keep believing in potential changes and transformation? It takes a lifetime commitment to be honest with yourself, and that’s what I decided to do before completely disappearing in my own self-delusion.
Anyway... well... I know that term is never really appropriate when I'm writing to you! So I guess the trick is to read the introduction and quickly skim what follows before jumping straight to the conclusion. NO!!! It's not!!! You'll miss the point, the journey... You see, now you're making me add more text…! Anyway. The point is (because yes, there is a point) the fact that I am reverent for the joy of having "us”, of being welcomed as much as I can welcome you, whatever our differences, the distance that separates us, or the circumstances that sometimes make us drift apart for a time. It is this unique "us" that pushes me to open up and bring you closer to who I am through what I do and what I live... and it is an indescribable blessing for me to do so!
Life creates life!!!
Miss you all,
Your friend and brother,
Alex
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