Starting a new project is no small affair for me. It takes me more time to reflect, to meditate, contemplate, self-examine, plan, replan, set, and reset than it takes me to actually breathe some life into what is essentially already well alive when I’m finally disposed to entirely immerse myself into it. My preliminary process drives everybody crazy — everyone!!! From my bandmates, my managers, my label team, my PR representatives, my radio pluggers, my social media strategists, and on, and on and on. You would be as well, being around me right now, and maybe you are if you’ve been following me for long enough to know my creative process…
The thing is, I just can’t truly believe in something until I’m basically becoming that so-called something. It’s like being a method actor 24/7. I’ve been like that for as long as I can remember, dating from primary school when I was introduced to theater. There were all the other kids running around, screaming and crying, and I was the one center stage reciting my text with all the exuberance of an 8-year-old’s passion for Shakespeare, playing “Midsummer Night’s Dream” with so much intensity that my classmates thought I had seizures on a regular basis… The chaos of love. The mystical and magical. The celebration and its feasts. I still remember fragments of the text…
“Lovers and madmen have such seething brains,
Such shaping fantasies, that apprehend
More than Good reason ever comprehends” (1)
Oh, and to add to the dramatic aspect of it, we were dressed as mice. The role of a lifetime! I was “Duke Theseus” for the entire summer after that, until my parents, probably out of desperation, told me it was the perfect timing to introduce the beauty of playing sports in my life. I ended up being just as extreme in that, but at least it gave them a break… somehow!
I guess I could be seen as a difficult person to work with for some. I’m hard to follow sometimes, that’s for sure! But I’m not difficult... I’m totally obsessed with every detail involved in my creative endeavors, no matter if it’s a post-concert giveaway flyer or a full-length motion picture. There’s no distinction for me… It will be about using the right colors, the right font and placements, and all that to properly convey the soul of the message. “Alex, it’s just a [promotional flyer, poster, digital ad, or anything else],” is the norm for people working with me. “Alex, it’s just…” I would like to see that as a need for control, it would help me identify the issue, but it isn’t. Because once I’m in the “it” zone, it’s the project, whatever it is, that leads me, not the other way around. It can take a moment before I even consider that it is indeed “it”… It’s quite a puzzling paradox to maneuver with… For me, it takes the form of my profound quest to defy my indecisions, while for others, it’s to maintain their mental sanity while I do so. That’s undeniably the most difficult part of being around me when I’m scorching my heart and soul to find purpose and meaning…
It’s hard to explain why, if not that it’s pretty much like shadow boxing, where I see myself fighting against constant doubts, uncertainties, and shaky foundations that aren’t as deeply rooted as I thought they were. It’s a major battle taking place within me, one that keeps compelling my mind to change course, to renounce such a perilous enterprise, to run away as far as I can from that painful venture, knowing too well the high cost of my engaging obsession. I know how easy it is for me to become emotionally paralyzed, affectively motionless, psychologically withdrawn, and spiritually numb to the point I won’t sleep much, will be off-focus and totally irresolute… It’s as if an inner fail-safe went out all of a sudden. It’s a strange place to be, like self-inflicted misery until I reach the “it” zone, and then it’s a blissful condition where a newly bloomed conviction turns dilemma and irresolution into inspiring certitude and intentionality. It’s not a victory over doubts, it’s a triumph over everything dominating me.
I’ve been wondering for quite a while what could have caused such a despairing type of query state, what could be the inherent reasons for that kind of “drama”, what may cause that sort of still form of panic, a totally non-logical disposition of mine, one that remains unclear to me, especially as I constantly get back in the ring for another round, and another, and another. Hemingway would be proud of some distinct elements, while Nietzsche would have certainly found interestingly explicative theories after spending a minute with me in the studio.
But I digress — and it undeniably won’t be the last time, unfortunately. Well, unless you like my “WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT NOW?!” mental diversion and made my artsy divagation your personal entertainment. I’ll try to make some sense out of it — a little.
In fact, to illustrate the whole unraveling nature of my ongoing project, we need to look at the timeline as it all happened, from the seeding spark in London, its burning inception in Tangier, its first envisioned conception, its initial release planning, its production, its second envisioning re-conception, its release re-planning, its reorienting production… And finally, its intentional “NOW”.
You’ll be able to understand how slow it always starts and how fast it all collapses before being purposefully reconstructed. That’s why it drives everyone crazy. But there’s a silver lining, always, as my willful obsession usually gives life to the most unexpected and purposeful project there is… At least for me it is! If honesty is in constant evolution through our digging process, exploring the deepest part within ourselves, truth, on the other side of the spectrum, is the immutable illusion of security that keeps us completely immobile while convincing our minds that we are progressing somewhere when it’s actually the decor that moves around us.
I see it as “wood” versus “concrete”, living organism versus prefabricated plastic, evolving art versus fast consumption entertainment. It takes more time for a tree to grow and bear its fruits than for a piece of stone to be resurfaced when it cracks or for a major label executive to find a new shiny face to sing the very same song they’ve been selling over and over and over, from one fast-digested format to another. It’s how it goes… And if everyone involved in that sterile scheme finds their profits, it’s great, fine by me. I simply never found any value in this whole racket. I’m more of an old-school circus person… At least I know who the real clowns are when I see them goofing around. Might not help me get a record deal, but if the real ones recognize their peers, I should be alright!
So life is flowing in high waves for me presently. When the studio production board is out, that 12-14 song titles are lined up, that music gets louder and louder, that words are burgeoning through blossoming melodies, that my inner symphonies of hope and despair are raging from within, it means that I’m most definitely in the “it” zone I’ve been so eagerly fighting myself into... Maybe that’s the reason why my bandmates say that what I do is always getting sonically heavier and heavier. I personally prefer the term “loudly consequential”.
And if there’s no certainty in expressive art, my entire immersion and its resolute embodiment have always flourished into a wide bouquet of bright and vivid colors, from which emanate perfumes of our present lifelong rebirth and the fragrances of rejuvenated faith in better tomorrows.
“And yet to say the truth,
reason and love keep
little company together nowadays.” (2)
Life creates life
Your friend and brother
Alex
(1) William Shakespeare Play: A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act V, Scene I
(2) William Shakespeare Play: A Midsummer Night’s Dream, Act III, Scene I
